You may be familiar with some of the tropes about love and music. Sometimes they
are about a non-band member romantic partner interfering in a band’s creative process, or maybe there’s a singer-songwriter duo or band that also includes a couple, or maybe a relationship with two people who are both in the same industry. There’s also the ex-partner band member, or the Producer-Artist fling. There might be the scenario where an ex is also a band member, or a current boyfriend/girlfriend thinks you're spending too much time on music and not enough time on them in an untraditional career. The list goes on.
The music and creative industry is one where people date those they’re also working with. I’ve heard not to mix business and pleasure, but the music and entertainment business in some ways is a business of pleasure. While this may be more or less common than in a traditional workplace or industry, it’s important to recognize that love and music are connected, for better or worse, and we need tools and approaches to navigate this ethically and successfully. Before I flood you with relationship doom and gloom, I assure you there’s hope and even ecstacy available to us!
I’ve personally experienced a number of these challenging tropes, and there are many more out there. I’ve also experienced the good that can come from healthy relationships. There’s not one right way to do relationships, but there are mindsets, techniques, approaches that have worked for me, and also serve to care for those I interact with.
One of my favorite sex and relationship authors, Dr. Emily Morse, a Doctor of Human Sexuality and host of the Sex with Emily Podcast continually re-emphasizes, “Communication is lubrication.” We’re not mind readers, and communicating directly about what we want, desire, and imagine makes fulfilling and meaningful relationships easier. This also extends to the music and art we make. How we envision a sound, crafting a song’s message, and communicating and connecting with our audience are all included under the communication umbrella. Direct and clear expression in our personal and romantic relationships also coincides with the relationship we have with our audience. Think of an audience as a giant relationship, with a back and forth dialogue and exchange of emotions. It’s not always easy, there can be some tough conversations along the way too.
Setting and enforcing boundaries from the outset, asserting ourselves, and expressing when a line has been crossed are also at play. These can be tense professional and romantic situations that require courage and confidence. In a professional creative community, there can be a lack of protections, or check and balances within a confluence of independent businesses intersecting, so speaking up is even more important.
Saying out loud what you’re comfortable with and what your boundaries are defends our happiness and wellbeing, saving a lot of time and strife over the long-term. The alternative is being porous, and developing resentment as a result of us not expressing what we want and need. Conflict and disagreements are inevitable, but it is completely possible to peacefully engage with complex subject matters.
There’s no right way to go about creating art, or romantic relationships, or platonic friendships, but there is a way that works for you. You could be in multiple bands with various genres, or stay focused as an individual singer songwriter performing artist. You could date men, women, or men and women. You could choose to have a lot of friends and acquaintances, or keep a close circle, or anything in between. There are many relationship expressions and personal identities, more than anyone can list in an article to explore and understand. However you choose to design your love life, personal life, and creative life, the most important thing here is that you know what you want! Be specifically and explicitly clear with yourself and those around you. A clear vision is the most direct line to self-actualization. When we cross paths with people who align with our vision for our dating, personal, and creative lives, we will know!
When relationships are healthy, they are less likely to compete with our careers and the visions for our life, and instead are more equipped to encourage and shape them. My partner Paige and I have been together since 2013, and my musical life has grown and thrived in ways I could not imagine - largely because of our relationship ethos and the enthusiastic cheerleading of one another.
Love and music are intertwined. With thoughtful consideration and a few tools for success, our relationships and music can thrive.
Joe Hamm is a Nashville-based Drummer and Producer, who performs with the Blue Sky Bandits, Triple Dare Jazz Band, Sophie the Stray, and as a member of the Creative Pulse House Band. Joe works as a session drummer, producer, performer, and runs Mix it Up, a co-writing workshop. Learn more about Joe and reach out to collaborate with him at @JoeHamm.music on IG, or www.JoeHamm.com
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